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Thanksgiving is coming up this Monday (for us Canadians) so I decided to submit an article to the Arts Undergrad paper here at school, called The Underground. Well, it was rejected. Such is my life, so full of disappointments. Like when my parents told me if I drank milk I'd get tall, so I'd drink TONS. Ask me how tall I am. Go ahead. Five Freakin' Feet. Hoozles, here's my first attempt at writing for something that actually gets published and read, as opposed to writing for here where I get like 20 hits a day, 15 of those being me checking to see if anyone left any comments. I can see why it was rejected though. Too potty. (*edited to say my article ended up in the paper afterall, with a few edits, shown crossed out.) Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, and once you�ve had your fill of oven-roasted turkey, home-made stuffing, and creamy whipped potatoes made lovingly by mom (or maybe just a Hungry-Man Thanksgiving Dinner, made lovingly by my microwave, as will be in my case), there�s the issue of leftovers. Traditionally, most people have resigned themselves to a week of turkey lunches, their ignorance sentencing them to seven days of no fun at all. Read this article and be one of the enlightened. Hopefully, with the help of this guide, you�ll go from dry turkey sandwiches to dry-humping sandwiches in no time! The transition from Thanksgiving to Wanksgiving should go smoothly, as long as you keep tabs on dinner leftovers and trimmings. Once the gluttonous Midwestern-American-at-an-all-you-can-eat-buffet-like frenzy has subsided, and everyone has eaten themselves into a gravy-induced comatose state, surreptitiously sneak leftovers into your napkin. If you�re worried about soiling mom�s �good linen�, a spare tube sock Studying the great art of ninja stealth will ensure you don�t get caught stealing leftovers, but in case you do get caught, keep a few of the following excuses on hand: �I�m doing a science project and my volcano is gonna spew gravy!� �Snorting cocaine just doesn�t give me the high it used to, so I thought I�d try the peas.� �Pie? What pie? You mean this pie behind my back? Oh, that�s not a pie. Trust me.� Once you have your loot worthy of a pirate, head to your room or anywhere else you feel comfortable engaging in the art of self-loving, A short list of Wanksgiving Masturbatory Aides has been included below, just to get the ball(s) rolling. This is by no means an exhaustive list; imagination is the key to a good time with some good food. 1. Gravy � This one�s easy. It�s wet and gooey. Forgo the lube and use gravy instead, just make sure it�s not scalding hot. 2. Potato Skins � If you like MILFs, try dry potato skins slathered in gravy and wrapped loosely around your thingy. �Loose� is the key to an authentic MILF-like encounter. 3. Corn on the Cob � It�s bumpy and phallic. I�m sure you can figure out what to do with it. If you�re a size queen, the bigger the better. If this is your first foray into the world of corn humping, start off with some baby corn. They come in cans. 4. Ham � If the fatties have left a substantial amount of meat on the bone, boy oh boy, are you in for a treat! Cut a cylindrical hole in the meatiest part of the ham. Slather the ham with some cranberry sauce. Stick your thingy in the hole, remove your thingy from the hole. Repeat as necessary. Congratulations! You are now a graduate of the How to Hump Thanksgiving Leftovers Distance Education Course. On to your practicum.
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