When I was five I lived in this lovely cockroach infested shithole in the Vancouver eastside (not as east as I live now though) where the hookers roamed aplenty, soliciting sex-craved perverts from the various dingy street corners. I used to wonder in awe at their ability to withstand the mid-winter cold dressed in nothing more than neon pink mini skirt, skanky tank top, and fish net stockings; I had no idea they had "other means" of keeping warm. O yes, the story... The landlord's seventh grade daughter often babysat me, and sometimes she would invite me over just to play. On one such occasion, she promised me a special treat if I would call up her crush and tell him that she liked him. Always eager for surprises, I agreed. My tiny fingers dialed the number and once Rico answered the phone, my squeaky voice announced "Lisa likes you!" I hung up quite pleased with myself, ready to reap the benefits of my special reward. As promised, Lisa fished out my prize from her parents' room. In her hands she held a video cassette.

five-year-old-me: Yay, a movie! (cheering as I jumped up and down) Is it a cartoon?!

Lisa: Nope. It's a special tape I found in my dad's closet. (Lisa marches over to the tv, turns off alf, and pops the tape into the beta)

*cue the porno music: bow-chicca-bow-bow! boom-chicco-boom-boom!*

*The scene fades in. There's a fire roaring in the background. An orgy of people lounge on the always classy bear-skin rug, which is stained with various bodily fluids. A long-haired sammy hagar look-a-like is the center of attention to a throng of similarly frizzy-haired naked women. Long live the perm. bow-chicca-bow-bow! Sammy grabs his uzi penis and begins to take aim. Hmmm...who shall it be? The blonde with the blue eyeshadow and the bad teeth? Or the blonde with the green eyeshadow and the bad skin? boom-chicco-boom-boom! Sammy thrusts his hips as if to announce "Ladies, there's more than enough of my love jizz to go around!" Ready, steady, aim, fire! The said love jizz streams into the women's eagerly awaiting mouths.*

five-year-old-me: Eeeek! Lisa Lisa! They're drinking his pee! Eew! Gross!

all-knowing-lisa: No amber. That's his cum.

*bow-chicca-bow-bow! Scene switches to doggie-style couple gasping in ecstasy.*

all-knowing-lisa: What they're doing is called sex. Can you say "sex"?

five-year-old-me (now sobbing): Turn it off! I don't wanna watch! Put back my show! I want alf!

lisa (reluctantly): alright.

Sigh... Most people look back on their childhood with fond memories. I wish I was one of those people. But what do I get instead? Trauma inducing pornography.