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Today my mother started freaking out at me because of something she mis-overheard (is that even a word?). My friend Tasha called but I couldn't find the cordless, so I had to talk to her on the speakerphone. We just chit chatted blah blah blah then she asked me about a friend of ours saying "Why didn't you tell me she had a boyfriend?". Well, crazy mama thought Tasha said "Why didn't you tell me YOU had a boyfriend?" so she came storming into the room asking what was going on. But if my mom had been a more rational person and thought that statement through, she would've realized, hey, the boys haven't exactly been showing up on my doorstep with bouquets in hand. So why was my mom making such a big deal of my supposed boyfriend? Well, she's super anti-boy. Hell, my parents did send me to an all girls private high school. As if that didn't fuck me up enough to my current socially stunted state, she still insists me and my sister cover our eyes whenever there's a "dirty" scene on television, which she takes to include kissing! And we're not talking full blown porn-tonguing either... Goddamnit, I'm 20! O no, she has to protect my innocent eyes! She has oft warned me of the evils of late night cable porn, screaming "Never watch that! It's bad!" But whose closet was it where I found that nasty video entitled "Last of the Virgins"? Who's the one taping the aforementioned cable porn then leaving the unlabelled video by the vcr where an unsuspecting daughter (ie me) can (and did) find it. You got dat right! My mama! And here's something even more ridiculous. My mother was rummaging through my bathroom cupboard and found a box of tampons. Heavens no! She busted into my room demanding if they were mine: mama(hysterically): Are these tampons yours? Are they?! Are they?!me(blandly): Uh...yeah. What of it? mama(still hysterical): Why?! Why do you use them?! me: Uh...for my period? mama: I want you to stop! You can't use tampons! I don't even use tampons! You have to stop! me: Uh...why? mama: Because! Everytime you use a tampon you are having sex! Using tampons is like having sex! You shouldn't be sticking anything up there! me: Hmmm... Tampon/Penis. Tampon/Penis. Am I the only one who sees the difference here? So there's the background on my mom going psycho on me about the supposed boyfriend. Anyways, I've decided to play along. I'm not even believable in humouring my mother. When she asked if I had a boyfriend I said "No, I don't have a boyfriend. I have five. And their names are Nick, Howie, Kevin, Brian, and AJ." Now, whenever we're talking about anything I'll throw in "Well, my boyfriend thinks blah blah blah." Hell, she's already threatened to tell my dad. Whatever...go ahead. What's he gonna do? Pull the string from my tampon boyfriend's ass? Totally off topic...I've been half-watching SNL and I've noticed: Hotdamnit! Jimmy Fallon is fine! prev | next |
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