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April 3, 2000
11:59:04 pm


monkeys always look

I saw Final Destination on friday with mam. Quality film with the right amount of gory violence. I recommend it and would proudly stand on any street corner -- no, not selling my body -- preaching the Devon Sawa message.

Up next on UPN: A malicious curious george gone crazy monkey is genetically altered to become the mind-reading slave of a matriphobic quadriplegic with murderous tendencies. And if you think that sounds good, just wait till things go awry and the monkey starts killing without being told, without the reward of a ripe banana, but just because it hella feels like it.

So yesterday afternoon I join my mother sitting in front of the t.v. only to find her engrossed in one of the worst films/money laundering fronts i've ever seen. I actually think it was worse than this piece of shit because the special effects basically consisted of a stuffed monkey and some pretty pathetic puppeteering. Damn you Monkeyshines!

In case you were considering wasting your hard earned cash on renting this fine example of film making at its best, i'll just give a complete rundown of the movie instead. That way, you can take your money and find the best whore 3 bucks can buy. Sure you'll probably end up catching all sorts of diseases and genital infections, but it will probably be a lot less painful than sitting through Monkeyshines.

Let's see...I wasn't fortunate enough to catch the movie from the very beginning. Hrmm...the quadriplegic, let's call him "Tom" since I was too enthralled by the storyline that I forgot all the characters' names, was sitting in the laboratory with a whole lotta caged monkeys. It must have been a full moon or something because his canines kept growing and pretty soon his mouth housed a pretty damn scary set of fangs. I think he was mad at some couple b/c they were having premarital sex or something. Anyways, he was so angry that he bit down down on his lip and blood started dribbling down his chin. The brilliant monkey, let's call him "Mojo Jojo", works himself up into a frenzy, frees himself from the confines of his cage, then jumps Tom's bones, lapping up the blood and french kissing Tom at the same time. I don't know about you, but beastiality makes me uncomfortable. But hey, if banging animals is your thing, who am I to judge? Yeah, so now fully satiated, Tom falls into a stupor and the monkey runs out of the building and somehow manages to find the cabin where the aforementioned couple is currently fornicating. The monkey grabs a matchbook, scurries under the bed, and sets the frame on fire, killing the sinners mid-coitus.

Next memory-worthy scene. Tom is tucked into bed after his mother finishes bathing him. They get into this big fight and she ends up slapping his bitch face silly, to which he angrily hisses "You deserve whatever you get mother!" Hrmm, do you smell monkey murder? I do! So the monkey, being able to read tom's mind, heads over to the house. While the mother is soaking in the tub, the monkey grabs a plugged in hair dryer and throws it in with her, electrocuting momma to death. The power goes out and Tom lays in bed afraid of what's happened to his mother. Then the mad scientist who started all this business arrives with a couple syringes filled with poison so he can end the evil. But of course, Mojo Jojo outsmarts him and his nimble little monkey fingers inject the poison into the doctor.

So Tom's wheeling around in his mouth-control wheelchair and heads to the kitchen where the monkey has set a nice candlelit dinner. Mojo Jojo stuffs Tom's mouth with monkey crackers. "So, you wanna be in control now do you Mojo Jojo?" rasps Tom, his voice filled with sex. Yeah, he's diggin the whips and chains and monkeys. Ring Ring! Aha, rescue at last! Alas, before Tom can reach the phone, Mojo Jojo rips through the cord with his teeth. There's another phone ringing in the house so Tom puts his lips to the wheelchair control and makes a go for it. He beats Mojo Jojo and manages to successfully knock the phone off the hook using his head. On the other end, his girlfriend stares at the receiver and is shocked at the monkey squeals she hears. Aha! Rescue chance number two!

Chickie arrives and tries to save her boyfriend. Mojo Jojo trips her and she falls, her head hitting the sharp corner of a desk en route to the ground. Tom nudges her roughly with the wheels of his chair, but she refuses to stir. Meanwhile, I'm screaming at the television "Nudge her harder Tom! I think there's still a square inch of scalp that you might not have bruised yet!" Mojo Jojo returns holding the other poison filled syringe, ready to murder the girlfriend. As he sits there watching death about to go down, Tom summons all the strength he can and by some miracle, the quadriplegic lifts his hand and presses the play button on the nearby stereo.

The monkey looks up into Tom's eyes. Coming from the speakers is their "song". Mojo Jojo drops the syringe and climbs up into Tom's lap as he coos "Come to Tom. That's right baby, come to me." Then just as the monkey leans into his lover to give him a hug, Tom chomps down on Mojo Jojo's neck and flings his limp (b/c it's a dump puppet) body from side to side. The monkey dies and Tom is victorious.

And because of his incredible hand lifting miracle, Tom is now a candidate for reconstructive spine surgery. Camera switches to operating room. The surgeon makes an incision down Tom's back. All of a sudden, Mojo Jojo jumps out from the gaping wound! Aieee! Haha! Good laugh, Tom was just having a nightmare and wakes up to find his operation a success.

The end.



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