When I was in high school I saw this movie about this girl who had really sweaty armpits, and before she went to a party, she tied sponges underneath her arms to absorb her sweat.

So of course, that gave me an idea.

There was this dance coming up at school, and, being gifted with such athletic prowess, I knew I would have difficulty holding back the sweat during the vigorous night of dancing that lay ahead of me. Also, being of higher than average intelligence, I came up with an idea even more brilliant and absorbent than your everyday sponge.

Hint: It rhymes with taxi-pad and begins with an "m".

After I glammed myself up in the standard slimming black dress, I grabbed two maxi-pads (my brand of choice is stayfree prima ultra-thin, for those who are feminine protection connoisseurs) from under the sink. I ripped off the paper backing and affixed one maxi-pad on the inside of each sleeve, silky dry layer facing my armpits. I was ready for a night of slick, awe inducing break-beat moves (i.e. the side-step).

Throughout the night I would casually check my armpits by feigning the shivers, so I could wrap my arms around myself and surreptitiously touch my pits with my fingers, reassuring myself of their dryness. Eventually, I went to the bathroom just to make sure everything was a-ok with my anti-perspirant alternative.

To my shock, I discovered that one of the maxi-pads was missing. I totally freaked out, waiting for the imminent shriek of "OMIGOD, THERE'S A MAXI-PAD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR!" I ran out into the gym as fast as I could (which was still s-l-o-w) and frantically searched low and low (cuz I'm short) for the M.I.A. maxi-pad. Proving unsuccessful, I slumped back to the bathroom, waiting for my life to end.

I reached for the hem of my skirt to wipe the wetness from my tear-stained face, and lo-and-behold, affixed to the underside of my skirt was the migratory maxi-pad.

Relief.