hi, i'm amber. really, i am. Today, horsemanure and I were walking around campus after our usual pig-out fest and this hoodlum with an adidas toque approached us. I was very scared for my life, the passive girl I am, because he looked like someone from East Side Downtown. I immediately pushed horsemanure in front of me, the selfish girl I am, in hopes that she would be raped first. Alas, all the boy wanted was for us to sign credit card applications. The smart girl I am, I said, "We already have credit cards." horsemanure, the cheapest girl I know, said, "Won't hurt to have another one because LOOK! You get a free CD!" After a 10 minute debate, horsemanure convinced me that it was in my best interest to get a free CD.

So I waddled over with my two short stubby legs, over to the bench where the application forms were. As I picked up a form, I noticed how horsemanure was getting all the attention from the hoodlum! I sighed my "I am sooo lonely" sigh and dragged myself to where they were talking. "Why can't I be as beautiful and funny as horsemanure?" I asked myself, "She gets all the boys whilst I, an old turtle, sit on the sidelines, hoping to get all the pimple-faced rejects that horsemanure throws to the side. I wish I were horsemanure for one day."

My thoughts were interrupted when the credit card boy asked if I'm finished with the form. "You duhn o what?" he asked. I timidly gave him my form and stood beside my gorgeous stunning friend, horsemanure. The hoodlum came back with a CD in his hand and gave it to horsemanure. "Where's mine?" I asked. He pointed to the bench and said, "Help yourself."

"Why me? Why doesn't anybody like me? Is it because I'm fat and ugly that boys don't like me?" I wondered to myself. "Life isn't fair."

"Oh yes it is amber," horsemanure interjected.

A tear slid down my cheek as I followed behind horsemanure and all her glory. My weeping eyes did not stir any sympathy, but ridicule. As I walked behind horsemanure, sobbing, boys were pointing at me, jeering at how fat my ass is and how they should install a Jenny Craig centre on campus.

After walking my goddess, horsemanure to her class, I wandered over to my engineer building and picked up my mech 260 test. I failed.

I am a failure! Nobody likes me! Not even my parents or my four year old brother! I'm so pathetic. I'm so sad. I just want to die.

Hrmm...this was a sad impersonation attempt brought to you by horsemanure. I'm not that self-deprecating. And wassup with you calling yourself gorgeous in every other sentence miss ego thang?