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Here's another article I wrote for one of my school's newspapers. I don't know if they'll print it though... It's last minute so it's not very funny. Disclaimer: This satire is facetious and fictional. None of these words were officially spoken in any capacity by any of those named herein. This event never occurred, nor is it implied that it could, would or was. The following article is written as an expression of alternate opinion. No harm is intended. Earlier this week, the Kabalarians held a press conference to announce their adoption of the philosophy of Halloween Costumology. Long time advocates of Numerology and Name Analysis, the news came as a shock to the massive crowd of 6 people in attendance. �Go forth and spread the news!� cried a Kabalarian representative. And spread it they did. Like wildfire. �The Kabalarians are adopting Halloween Costumology, pass it on!� from person to person, much like a game of telephone, until the last one announced �I have a giant Kielbasa in my pants!� In Numerology, important numbers such as your birth date, shoe size, and age at which you lost your virginity are analyzed to give insight into your character. These numbers can also be used to determine new careers or the timing of events such as weddings and 1st degree murder. Name Analysis simply looks at how your name affects your personality and likelihood of future successes. So if you have a name like Gertrude, Milhouse, or Screech, resign yourself to a lifetime of taunting because face it, you are a big loser. Also, it�s most likely that you will never have sex. Ever. The newest addition to the Kabalarian Philosophy, Halloween Costumology, was best described by Super Awesome (nee Bob Smith), a dedicated follower of the philosophy. �Well, you know that if you were born on Friday the 13th you�re gonna end up evil like Freddy or that guy in the hockey mask. And if you have a nobody name, you�ll be a nobody for the rest of your life. Take myself for instance. I was going nowhere until I changed my name. Now I�m manager of a porn store! That�s right! Manager!� Mr. Awesome paused to proudly shine his �Manager of Hot XXX� nametag. �Numerology and Name Analysis are proven! So why not apply the same principles to Halloween costumes? If you dress up as a pirate, you smell bad and you were probably born with only one eye. Want to dress your daughter up as a nurse? Go ahead...if you want her to grow up to be a whore! And angels! People who dress up as angels are just sluts in denial. I bet that Britney Spears dressed as one for Halloween.� After the press conference, Mr. Awesome was kind enough to give me a traditional Kabalarian analysis for free. �Well, to find your ideal career we can use Numerology. So what�s your birthday? Okay, well we add up those numbers, which equals 113. Now I simply look up the 113th word in this Oxford English Dictionary. Let�s see... aardvark... abduction... Ah, here we go! Abominable Snowman! That�ll be a great job! Now, to succeed I suggest you change your name from Amber to something awesomer, like Gandalf or Frodo. Next, what are you planning to dress up as for Halloween? Super Mario! Dude! Nintendo, like, totally rules!� It looks like I have costume approval.
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