Apologies to my four (counting myself) readers for having gone cold turkey on diaryland for nearly a month. Do I have a good excuse? Actually, a lot has happened. I am now fabulously gorgeous, have a winning personality, won the lottery, engaged in a massive orgy with 20 hot bisexual boys, one of whom turned out to be my soul mate, and learned how to crochet a Blossom hat. Oh no, wait, that was all in a dream I had last night. Reality check: I am still ugly, boring, poor, gettin none, but hotdamn can I crochet a mean Blossom hat! Well, I'm kinda exaggerating a bit I suppose. I'm not quite Quasimodo, I'm semi-interesting, I get a pay check every couple weeks which helps with my giggolo addiction, and I can't crochet for shit.

Speaking of losers... Hi, my name's Amber. Ah... So a couple weeks ago I was supposed to meet some people from school for a MovieFest at Silvercity. The email invite specified the time and place, so off I went. Well, I arrived 10 minutes late and didn't see anyone I knew, so I assumed all had gone into the theatre. I lined up and pathetically asked for a single ticket, smiling at the people behind me so the cashier would think I knew them and hadn't come alone like the big loser that I am. They were frightened. My senior citizen "friends" probably thought I was going to mug them because of my trademark grimace that I gave them (trademark grimace: my fake wide smile I flash people when there's a lull in conversation or if I say something stupid and just feel awkward). I went inside and still didn't see anyone I knew (turns out I went to the wrong theatre), so I resigned to an afternoon of MI-2 solo. Here's the embarrassment. It's not like I could just grab a seat all by my lonesome and no one would notice. Noooo, the movie gods decided to smite me down and have a nearly full house. So I had to point to an empty seat between two couples and ask if it was taken! All I said was "Is that seat taken?" but I may as well have said "Hi, I'm a big loser because I came to a movie by myself. Do you mind if I take that single loner seat so I can pretend you're my friends? Or, at the very least, so I can watch you make out?"

Hey, I'm still single if anyone is interested. We can email back and forth on a daily basis because nothing's cooler than having an internet boyfriend to brag about.

"So, how'd you two lovebirds meet?"

"Well," says I, "I tried sex chat rooms for a while but I just wasn't finding any decent relationship seeking men. So I posted a picture of Catherine Zeta Jones under my name on an E-Mail Order Bride website... And that's how I met Bubba. I love him. All 400 lbs of his sweaty manliness" I rub his bald head lovingly.

"Uh...okay you loser!"

Today I talking on the phone with my friend Mam and we were discussing how "even the freaks gettin some", hence the title of this entry. Rather, it should be "even the freaks gettin more than me". Okay, well there was this woman on Maury Povich a couple months ago who was featured as one of his most inspiring guests. Let's call her Stump. She was born with no legs! Stump was just a torso and up! She talked about how she got married and had a baby, which befuddled me at first because I was like "yo, you gotz no abdomen. How's dat suppose ta work?" but apparently, she did have functioning genitalia and reproductive organs, only they were shoved up into her torso. She was like a human implosion I guess. Who else? O yeah, and Mam told me that there was this midget on Eros, this Canadian sex show, and she was talking about all her conquests and how she's been dating non-stop since she was twelve. So I asked m' friend if the midget was one of those cute little people. Just like normal, only miniature. But nope, she was one of those big headed weird looking ones. Like an Oompa Loompa. Damnit, I thought I was at least better looking than an Oompa Loompa. How sad is that? I'm sitting here without a boy to pump me full of his love spunk whilst a legless freak and big headed elf are partying it up like a couple of whores.

Hey boys, to quote Matthew Broderick's wife in that fabulous movie Election: Fill me up.