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January 23, 2000
11:36:04 pm


desperation

I just took the Love Test at The Spark website, and this is how I measure up:

The following data represent the LoveTest's interpretation of this user, and may not reflect what the user directly entered. Each score is between 0 and 10.

Morality (7)
Love Experience (0)
Sex Experience (4)
Intelligence (7)
Other Information
(as interpreted by us)

Gender: FEMALE
Age: 20
Status: Currently single
Horniness: Very
User consumes alcohol.
Latitude: 49.6 N
Longitude: 121 W

Wheel of desperation

User is very lonely

Hmmm...interesting...I score a 6 out of 6 on the wheel of desperation. Apparently, I'm quite lonely (like I needed a test to tell me that) so I've been racking my brain for different ways to snag me a boy. Plastic surgery is out because I'm too poverty stricken to afford a new face slash body slash everything. Another downside to being poor...giggolos aren't free. So bye bye pseudo-boyfriend who only gazes at me with stars in his eyes because I'm paying him 50 bucks an hour. And my personality certainly isn't dynamic enough to allow for an oversight of my looks. Plus, I'd like someone decent. Unlike the winners who I'm lucky enough to gain the attention of. Last year there was this 25 year old civil engineer in one of my classes who asked me out. I was quite surprised... He worked on a project with me and 2 other people, but we were quite clear about not liking him too much i.e. 3 of us at one end of the table, him at the opposite end. Guy had nasty teeth and looked like a cross between Odo (I think that's his name...the weird masky guy from Star Trek...uh, the next generation?) and Ron Howard. When he popped the question, my friends were so appalled/amused that they had to leave the room because their raucous laughter was itching to break free.

Then there's horsemanure's friend. For her birthday, a bunch of us went for dinner and clubbing. The next day, she gave this guy a call from my house and they got to talking about her birthday. Then they got on the topic of me so he told her to tell me that he was interested. My reaction was along the lines of "Eh? What? I didn't even talk to him at all." The situation didn't agree with me at all... This guy was seriously a 25 year old version of my cousin Jeff. Then I guess he decided to use his charm reserves to sway my decision. Message relayed from Horsemanure: Cousin Jeff said to tell you that he really likes your boobs. He says they are nice and just the size he likes 'em. Yeah, way to get me to shove my foot up your ass you bastard.

So what options have I got left? None. All I can do is pray for a miracle.

Dear God,

Hello, how are ya doin? Heaven treating you good? Have the damn blasphemers been giving you trouble again? Well, I hope all is well with you and the son. Hey, remember the time the devil tried to bring about Armageddon and I gathered a following of your peoples and we kicked some serious Satanic ass? Well, it's time to call in the favour. God, I'm in serious need of a boy. TheSpark.com's love test told me so. So if it's at all possible, could you help me recruit some potential hand-holding partners? O, and please no lepers or zombies. Remember what happened when we tried to set up Lazarus with Mary Magdalene? It was funny at first, but when his arm fell off for the twentieth time, Mary was merry no longer.

Love,
Amber

P.S. If you swing me this favour, I promise I'll stop asking for worldwide domination.



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