Sigh. I'm getting so excited because UBC's arts county fair is coming up soon on April 6. It's this big music/alcohol event that's put on by the arts undergrad society and is always guaranteed fun. Well, guaranteed if schmoozing with 15,000 simultaneously drunk mostly university students and some fake-id bearing high school kiddies is your thang. Let's recount a few of my fuzzy alcohol veiled memories shall we?

Arts County Fair -- The virgin experience:

Ahhh, my first year at university came to a crashing halt. I had heard people raving about the arts county fair, so I was itching to go. Unfortunately, none of my ho friends from high school wanted to go (ahem horse*cough*manure), so I joined a couple of new people I'd made friends with. Lessee... we showed up at around 3pm, so three hours of festivities had already passed us by. By that time I was completely drunk because come lunchtime, I was washing down my daily can of vienna sausages with several big ol' helpings of vodka. We wandered around a bit, my friend jessica danced for the people in the porto-potty lineup by placing her beer mug on her head and prancing around, i met a few new people, blah blah blah, o yeah, and I told my major crush that I liked him. Bad alcohol. Bad! I spotted him sitting on the grassy hill with a bunch of his resmonkey friends so I headed over. He was severely intoxicated and so was super friendly. (Crush history: He was my chemistry lab partner in first term, but I didn't like him at that time. It was only after we were reassigned to other people that I thought to myself, Hotdamn! I want me a piece of that action.) We sat and talked for a while. Then stupid retarded me said I'd tell him a secret if he promised not to get mad. His reaction to my profession of like for him? Well, he wasn't mad. Did he like me back? I don't think so. But then again, maybe throwing up his breakfast, followed by intense disgusted shuddering, then a few gagging dry heaves was his way of showing me how much he cared. Okay, he didn't really do that. He was really surprised (because when I like someone, I do not let on *at all*) and gave me the whole "you'd make an awesome friend" deal. Not that I expected anything to come of it. O yeah, then we got down and dirty and skanked it up a notch while reclined on the grassy knoll, surrounded by thousands of our closest peers.

Arts County Fair -- The Return (da Da DAAAA!):

Second year at UBC. This time I managed to round up a few people to come with. I skipped most of my classes that day so I started drinking my ginger ale and rye at about 10am. Fuck, I've never been so drunk in my life. I looked like one of those street bums, swaggering around with my booze wrapped up in a brown paper bag, rifling through garbage cans for pop cans I can trade in for more alkie money. I met up with mam, we had a few drinks, then we went with horsemanure to one of her classes, made a scene of ourselves by jumping on stage and singing our funky rendition of Quit Playing Games by the Backstreet Boys (okay, I lie), drank some more, then walked over to the stadium where the concert was going on. I honestly remember almost none of our walk over, which was a substantial 20 minutes long. As soon as we were inside, we headed over to the beer garden to pick up a few. We had just lined up and I was talking to a couple guys about lighters and setting one's own pants on fire, when it happened. I puked. Horsemanure was lucky enough to get some of my precious stomach heavings onto her shoes. The rest was lost while I ran towards the outdoor toilets. By the time I was actually in a stall, I was all thrown up and out. For the time being. Then I went to go lie down and rest and the foot of the hill, but only after I told all the hippie type nature folk "hello granolas!". And there I remained for two hours...practically passed out, reviving every so often for another regurgitation session. Yup, that was the day of 4 times. Count em', FOUR times I threw up. By the great amber finale, only frothy white foam was showing up. I had people coming up to me asking if I wanted an ambulance. Plus, I was by the pee fence, where all the drunk boys relieved themselves rather than wait in line. So I'm laying there, and a shadow looms above me. I look up and discover a polite little fucker urinating very nearby, his stream of piss landing not far enough, by my standards, from head. "Hey fucker, why don't you take your golden showers elsewhere?" The boy just turned slightly so I couldn't revel at his one inch penis in all its glory. Hmm...what else. O! Horsemanure, the cheapest drunk I know, was providing entertainment at its best after only 3 beer! She had latched onto this guy from her honours english class, who was totally doped up on something, probably on several recreational drugs what with the way he was acting. This Jesus Christ lookalike was standing there, gazing off into space, so horsemanure mounted one of his legs and rode like there was no tomorrow. By this time I was considerably better and could actually wander about while enjoying my drunkenness. I spotted her little display of affection and asked her what she was doing. "It's okay amber, don't worry about it. He and I are like family!" said horsemanure, whilst she rubbed her crotch against his left leg. "Are you sure he likes that?" I asked. Horsemanure seemed to come to a realization: "You're right!" She dismounted and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then she grabbed the guy's right leg and started the dry humping again. "There, that's better! He likes *this* better!" Funny funny girl. She also attacked this guy from her forestry class (no humping this time, just name calling), who was so shaken up by the experience that he vented his frustration by partaking in a fight later that afternoon, and succeeded in getting kicked out. There was also this guy from one of my engineering classes that I talked to who started rubbing her ass about 2 seconds after I introduced them. She was quite proud of that one. Everytime we met people we knew, or even didn't, horsemanure would stick out her bum, place her palm one of her ass cheeks, then announce "Amber's friend was touching my ass and I LIKED IT!"

Damn, I hope I have as good a time this year. Sans the puking though, of course.