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October 30, 1999
3:03:24 am


shitty to the power of infinity

I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the word "shitty" but after watching (and spending 10 precious dollars that could have gone towards something more rewarding i.e. alcohol) The House on Haunted Hill I have a totally new and complete understanding of that revered phrase. I should have recognized the red flags that mark a sucky movie. Blatant clue number one: Headlining actor Chris Kattan of SNL fame. I love the tiny one's role in the raunchy couple routine but in a supposed horror movie? The whole time he was alive he played this whimpering blubbering alcoholic. Clue #2: The opening scene was so good and bloody graphic that the film's quality could only go downhill from that point. At first the story was kinda interesting (although convoluted) and it would have been better if they just focussed on the filthy rich couple. But once the "evil spirit" was released, that's when the laughfest began. There were cheezy computer graphics of this smoky wraith banshee type thing and the faces of its victims would surface every now and again with their speaking roles. And another great thing about this "18A but let's let in all the young uns because we'll take money any way we can for this piece of shit production movie..." the dialogue was absofuckinglutely brilliant. They'd fucking enter "fucking" in the middle of every fucking polyfuckingsyllabic word, I guess because it gave the movie a more hardfuckingcore edge. And my favourite part of the movie came at the end. We were down to our last two living characters. Their attempts at escape were proving futile...They kept trying to break free to the outside but the hanging metal barriers were too much weight for them to handle... The evil demon of doom was looming over them, ready to pounce... But alas, Chris Kattan's ghost comes to the rescue. He beams an angelic smile at the couple as his ectoplasmic glasses glint in the light of his goodness. His slight figure effortlessly disengages the fortress shields, shedding the brilliant light of a promising new day into the room and thus killing their nemesis. The end. I swear, right when Mam and I saw the Kattan ghost, we burst into giggles but unfortunately, we were the only ones in the entire theatre who found it amusing. So I can safely say that's one of the worst movies I have ever seen and ranks right up there with The Haunting and Cool World (starring a young Brad Pitt and a cartoon Kim Basinger who desperately wants to be human). Absolutely shitty...



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