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Okay, so I didn't end up submitting my last entry to the underground. I ended up handing in what follows. It's pretty much me recycling an old entry cuz I'm too lazy to come up with anything new. Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time, to an era where men were more forgiving of their women’s looks. Take the middle ages for instance. After having a couple dozen kids, say you gained a pound or two hundred. Your man wouldn’t dump you just because you can’t roll yourself out of bed or eat without sweating from the physical exertion. He’d jump up and down shouting “Yay Yay Yay! Me wife shall survive ‘notha winter, govna!” Or what about all those portraits of women from the days of yore. Face it, a lot of those women were dogs. Bark, woof, whatever. Yet there was no shortage of men wooing these ugmos. You could have a giant hairy Enrique Iglesias mole smack dab in the middle of your forehead, and admirers would still be painting your picture. How about that Frida Kahlo artist? She had a freaking unibrow! A unibrow! (I’m repeating myself here for effect.) But she was getting it left and right, from men and women. Way to play the field! But today? If you’re an ugly girl in today’s world, forget it, you aren’t getting any. Getting any that’s good anyways. Unless there’s a frat party and you’ve got plenty of booze and drugs, then you can get those boys to fuck anything, even a glazed ham. I decided to put my boyfriend to the test and see just how unconditional his love is. Amber: "Jeff, would you still love me if I weighed 300 lbs?" Jeff: "Yes I would." He passed that one. Amber: "What if I grew a big Tom Selleck mustache?" Jeff: "Couldn't you shave it?" Amber: "No. If I shaved it I would die. It's a deviant mustache with major arteries running through the hairs, so if I shaved it I'd bleed to death. Would you still love me?" Jeff: "Uh...I guess. I just wouldn't wanna be seen in public with you." Amber: "What?! So we could never go out together?" Jeff: "Well...we could. But you'd have to stay a few feet behind me. So it wouldn't look like we were together." Amber: "So you wouldn't hold hands with me?" Jeff: "No." Amber: "Or give me a kiss in public?" Jeff: "No." Amber: "What if you turned around and saw tears streaming down my face and glistening in my big bushy mustache? You'd rather see me cry than give me a kiss and risk public humiliation?" Jeff: "Yes." He gets a big FAIL on that one. Looks like I’m right. Now where can I find a time-travel machine? On Ebay?
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